Raising the Boy-Child – Part 2

Dear God,

I tried to recall some of the things that happened in our childhood, especially among my male relations. It’s difficult to recall any time that our parents singled the boys out for specific lessons like grandma or mum did.

They did correct misbehaviors but unlike Grandma, I don’t recall specifics. Was it done in Secrets? Just like the introduction to masquerades?

I had always believed that the boys got specific lessons about boyhood and manhood at that secret cult where they are initiated into the masquerades.

So Lord, in my home town, when a boy gets to a certain age, he would be required to be initiated into the masquerades (The world of the Spirits).

(That’s a story for another day)

All boys looked forward to it and those who lived in the cities like us endeavoured to bring the boys home during that season to be initiated.

All my brothers and male cousins did it. They were initiated. All. If you dare not to, you will be labelled “a woman” forever and no matter your age, you will be subject to the already initiated even if they were just 10 years old.

I remember an incident that happened one Christmas day when a bunch of 10- to 12-year-old boys carrying a masquerade their age went to flog a full-grown man because he was not initiated yet and therefore a “woman”. The man turned and slapped the masquerade and his team screamed that he had unmasked the masquerade. It became a very serious issue. The man’s house was barricaded with palm stems signalling an abomination space and he was driven out of town until his people completed the cleansing rituals.

(Another story for another day)

Anyways, to be initiated, the boys would be isolated for a few days and not allowed to talk to a woman or sleep near one. The young boys who usually slept with their mums or sisters would not be allowed to do so again. They had become “men”.

Hmmm.

Anyways, they were then sworn to secrecy and must never reveal whatever it was that was done there.

So in my head, I felt that’s where they got all the lectures about women because their behaviors automatically changed whenever they were fully initiated.

There was this “attitude” they carried towards us girls.

(Why being “a man” means being separated from “women” still baffles me to date).

Initially, they refused to initiate my cousin because they said he was too close to me and would reveal the secrets of the spirit to me. It took a lot of persuasion and my uncle’s intervention to have him initiated.

After my cousin got his initiation, he stopped sleeping in our room and stopped hanging out with me.

He will then tease that I am just a girl….”What do I know?”

That comment used to bring out the fight in me……(the kind of fights we both had). Heavens help me! Hmmm.

“You are a girl…..what do you know?” (Really? Because you got initiated into some hapless spirit rituals?)

Dad, who taught these boys? What did they teach them about girls? You haven’t answered that question.

To date, I hear men, full-grown men say the same thing…..(Especially Africans)

“Why listen to women….what do they know?”

“She’s a woman…..what does she know?”

To date, at time “T”, African men still make those statements.

Hmmm.

I have been to various church programs for youths, even while I was in school and 80% of the conversations and instructions were for ladies and the girl-child. How to dress, what to do, how to do…..and so I asked…very sincerely……

“What about the guys?” “What about the boy-child?”. “Who is instructing him? What should we be telling them?”

Everyone kept quiet and some stammered some comments…..

“Is it okay to prepare and raise a pristine princess and then neglect the very one who will ruin your works?”, I keep wondering.

“Since the girl-child would eventually end up with the boy-child, doesn’t it make common sense to raise an Alpha male-child in readiness for the princess?”. “Shouldn’t the key focus and moral energy be on the boy-child?”

I am just asking, Lord….just asking questions.

I know a lot of men today who didn’t have a good relationship or any kind of relationship with their fathers so they struggle to relate with a son. Raising a boy is more than school fees and joggers.

Raising a good boy needs a lot of heart-to-heart talks too.

I remember the arguments with my Adam about our sons until he got my point of view. “Talk to your sons I insisted….talk”

“Don’t just instruct him…..talk, gist, tell him stories of how you grew up. Tell him the mistakes you made and point him to how you would have done that better. Talk”.

And he will tell me……”Leave him, he will learn”…..

How? By whom? From whom?

I know what to tell my daughters, what do I tell my sons? How do I understand what he is feeling and when he is feeling it?

Finally, he got it and started talking, slowly but surely…

Who is raising the boys? Who is talking to them about the female gender? About life?

Who is preparing them for this future they will eventually meet whether they like it or yes?

What are they saying to them, specifically?

This is Your daughter, Lord, searching, seeking answers and just checking in.