Lessons from Grandma: Life and its curve balls!

Dear God,

Just one more lesson, I couldn’t resist this one.

(Hahaha, stop rolling your eyes, you love my stories)

I still believe that African parents are the world’s best parents, however, they need to adjust a few things based on learnings. Our upbringing was just a touch harsh. There were objects thrown, lots of shouts, and those game-changing “eyes” that they give you. Parents were more driven by their fear that we would go astray than the trust that we would do the right things. Yet, they raised the most robust, wholesome generation ever.

One thing baffled me the most. And that was the celebration and honour when a girl gets married. The girl’s mother will be so celebrated as if she won a global award. Now, if you happen to marry from your town, that would be an additional feather to the cap. My towns people have a phrase for it…. “Born at home, nurtured at home and married at home”. That’s a special honour! What was it that drove our mothers to believe that marrying off their daughters was the crown/reward for their good parenting even if the girl ended up with an idiot.

(It’s okay Lord. Don’t give me “the eye”, let me remind you of this story)

So Ekenma’s mum ran into our compound dancing Kokoma up and down. She was so excited. She was singing, clapping her hands together and raising them up to heavens in excitement.

All of us children in the house ran out to watch. The joy pouring from the woman’s heart was unexplainable. It flowed. Grandma had just had her bath and was dressing up. When she finally came out, the woman ran and hugged her, holding her for a long time crying and singing.

Anyway, when she calmed down, we found out that her joy streamed from the fact that Ekenma, her daughter was getting married. Some people had come to “knock on their door”, a traditional symbol of the intent to marry. And the family has accepted and fixed a date for the marriage.

On further clarification, we realised that Abumchukwu, “the retard”, was the husband to be. As in Abumchukwu! A retard. How?

Ekenma was a very beautiful and intelligent girl. Kind to a fault and hardworking. The only issue was that she had polio as a child and it disfigured her legs, so she had a very bad K-leg. The ones that touched each other when she walked. Other than that, she was as normal as can be and could have any life she hoped for. So why Abumchukwu? And why was her mum rejoicing like she just won a jack pot. I just couldn’t relate.

The way that woman danced, you’d think that the son of the king came to ask for her hand in marriage. I just couldn’t hold my thoughts in, so I went to Grandma as usual and got more life lessons…

I met her in the kitchen plucking leaves to cook dinner and knelt beside her to help.

“Mama Nukwu, why would Ekenma agree to marry an idiot,” I asked

“Taa, close your mouth, don’t let me hear you call a human being that again” she chided me.

I paused and apologized, but I didn’t back down.

“But mama, you know that’s not a fair match, why would her parents allow that to happen?” I insisted

Grandma sighed and shook her head. “Mind your business”, she said mildly. I knew she wasn’t angry with me. And I also knew she saw the truth in my words, so I persisted.

“Mama, you and I know that Abumchukwu is totally incapable of doing anything. He can’t talk, he cannot do anything for himself. How can he get married? How can he provide for his home? He is practically useless”, I emphasised.

“Watch your mouth,” grandma warned me, giving me “the eye”. I kept quiet but just long enough.

“But mama-nukwu, you can talk them out of this, it is not fair to Ekenma, you………

“My dear, when destiny calls out to you, you answer, fair or not”, grandma cut in.

“But you can choose your destiny mama. You used to tell us that. That we have a choice on what side of destiny we dance….” I reminded her.

She looked at me and smiled.

“This your head, eh, it will lead you to places. You are learning well, Nne, I am happy you remembered that, but you see this one, we have to stay out of it. Ekenma’s fate is sealed, it’s her choice what she makes of it now, she said sadly.

“I don’t understand, Mama, I know you will never allow anyone of us marry like that, why this?” I said

“We all stand from different points on the plain of the universe. From your plain, this marriage may be unfit, but from her plain, she may be marrying up”, grandma said.

“What is marrying up, mama? I inquired curiously

“One day everything will make sense, for now, just know that life may have thrown a ball to her that may be a very good opportunity….” mama said mysteriously

“How?”

“Life will always throw balls at you. Some balls come straight to you but curve when you try to catch them. Some come as curve balls, then strengthen and are easy to catch because they become straight. The important thing is, what will she do with the ball she just caught? What do you do with the ball in your hands?” Grandma finished staring directly into my eyes.

“I doubt if she can do anything with that ball in her hand…. right now…” I said rolling my eyes, as I tried unsuccessfully to untangle the meanings of her words.

“You are not God, are you? Remember, that’s her husband’s name (Abumchukwu)……meaning “Am I God”. We are not God, so we don’t know that …… We don’t know what God can do with that ball in her hands” Grandma lectured.

“But Mama, Ekenma wants so badly to go to school, and she is intelligent…. how can God not answer that simple prayer for her?”

“God may have answered it, either through her or her children,” Grandma said sadly. Ekenma under normal circumstances would not be able to go to school because her parent could never afford it. But look at it now, she has married into a good and wealthy family. Perhaps she will raise an educated generation. Look at the bright side”, grandma said somewhat sadly.

I stared at her and saw the deep sadness in her eyes. Was she worried for Ekenma? Or something else? I continued plucking and cutting the leaves for her as we cooked in silence.

I thought about Ekenma, poor girl, she has signed up for a miserable life, yet people are rejoicing on her behalf. Everywhere her mother went, congratulations would ripple through the air. She was practically walking on water……for what? Did they think that Ekenma would never get married? Or get something better?

She wasn’t pregnant out of wedlock, so why this choice? Yes, Abum’s family was rich. In fact, they are what grandma called traditional wealth, but does that count? That wealth is with the corporate family not for Abum himself. How can she go into marriage already depending on the collaborative support of a rich family…. an imbecile for a husband and her own family is happy. How far can poverty drive human decisions? I didn’t understand it then.

Hmmm.

But guess what, Lord, Grandma was right! And everything she told me makes sense now. That marriage was full of turbulence, but Ekenma managed her curve balls well. She didn’t eventually go to school, but she produced two doctors and a lawyer, apparently through a “chosen” family member for and on behalf of Abum. (Remember Tamar and the sons of Judah?) Hmmm.

And from what I learnt from grandma, it’s not always about what happens to you, but what you do with it. Your handling, your reaction to it. So, what are you doing with the balls life has thrown in your space, whether straight or curves?

It’s up to you…

This is Your daughter, Lord, bringing you the last lesson from Grandma’s series and checking in.